a long break It's been, I don't know how long since I've been on here, but for sure it's been long enough for me to forget how this thing works. I can't even remember how to view my own journal. That should tell you. So, why am I here again, I don't know. Thought I had something to say, but as I type, the meaning slips away to some obscure part of my mind, that is seldom visited. I guess all I can't think of is that I've been having a rough few weeks. My family are very stressed, I'M very stressed and I'm sleeping very sporadically and seldom.
Seems like, and I know I've posted this before but, I only come here when I'm feeling like shit. Well, here I am, so draw your own conclusions. Just feeling tired, restless, stressed, and generally pissed off at the world. :(
Sometimes I just don't understand myself You know, I SHOULD be pretty happy right now. I've got a great new fella and we're getting on so well. We have much GENUINELY in common; both skins, tv, spirituality, music, comics books, etc. He is so unbelievably loving towards me too, and really looks after me, in a way I haven't experienced before and yet, I dunno, i'm pausing and thinking what's wrong with me.
I THINK it's because i'm thinking about past relationships and how they failed. Who knows, MAYBE i'm expecting this one to go that way too, although I am constantly being assure that it won't. I dunno, just feel very weird tonight. :(
a new friend WOW! over this weekend i've just made that most amazing friend!!! He's from Leeds and is a skin like me and man, I really love and care for him alot. We spent two days together and frankly it didn't seem like it was enough, but that just leaves us with the desire to get together again SOON.
Does anyone actually read this shite? Hmmmm, a thought occured to me today, does anyone actually read my LJ and if so what are the reasons for my lack of response?
So what i've come up with is kinda a multichoice; you pick the best option, from the list, and reply with that. A small, accompanying statement is PURELY optional!
"Reasons for not post a comment"
1, boring statements that are not worth responding to.
2, extreme statements that leave you unsure what, if anything, to say in response.
3, can't be arsed even to read the LJ let alone reply.
4, reads, but can't be arsed to reply.
5, you think i'm a twat who's not worth the snot off your nose.
6, other
OK folks, there you have it. I'll be interested to see IF anyone replies to this.
thoughts Well, it's late, i'm awake, and I shouldn't be. I KNOW what being awake at this time of day usually does to me. :( I've just read that someone I once knew very well seems to be getting on with life and is now blissfully happy with a new love. I'm glad. Finally someone has been able to give him the love, caring, and seemingly security that I could not.
I'm so very sorry for how I was during the worst times; flakey, insecure, upset all the time and just down right unpleasant to be with. I know how that would make me feel if my significant other got like that, it would destroy me. :( To be honest, I don't know that i'm not that different, even now. Sure, i'm certainly less flakey, I'm probably a little less insecure, and I'm certainly not upset all the time. I tend to take very much the attitude that my former boyfriend (the one who inspired this posting actually) took back then; I bury my head and hope the lions will go away. Often, you know, they don't. But the bite in the arse seems to hurt less when you're up to your neck in sand. It kinda hits you when you're not looking. I prefer that. To be honest, that's why I don't post on here much. I have rarely got anything nice to report, and I'm not even sure to whom I'm reporting as the lack of replies, even from perfect strangers, suggests that this journal goes largely unread. Anyhow, I'm getting sidetracked, another one of my many failings. The point here is, I survive getting down because I refuse to think about things that upset me, it's not the best approach, but it'll do, for now.
As for my own life, what there is left of it is going well in some camps, and catastrophically in others. I'm still penniless, living from month to month on what little I can scrape out of teaching privately. Sadly, I have no other really useful skills that could generate more income, so it's pointless to even think about it. My weight has increased by a stone since leaving the south, and I seem powerless to stop it. This is not good, but it's probably got a lot to do with eating wrong, and too much; which in itself is a combination of relief and comfort scoffing! In fact, I find myself just being thankful that I still have both my parents, at least for now, and I am loved by someone for whom I care about a great deal. I don't know how long he will continue to feel the way he does about me, and I sure as hell know that I wouldn't be able to cope if he changed his mind. But it wouldn't altogether be a new experience for me, as sooner or later I rub everyone up the wrong way, and they leave.
Anyway, that's about all I can think of for now. Once again I invite comment, even it is only abuse. At least it would give some point to me posting this drivel.
Current Mood: not the best i've ever been Current Music:none
Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.
contemplating Ah well, as is usual, I only ever post here when my mood is less than good. Currently I don't have the vaguest clue what is going on with myself. I feel like my emotional state is all over the place, physically I'm weaker than I have ever been in my life and sexually I am so frustrated that I'm seriously thinking about giving up on it all together. It seems like the more I try to discover myself, the less I actually know about the mind which I inhabit!
I wish someone, ANYONE, could unravel ME and present me with the findings. But I know that isn't gonna happen.
Feel free to post replies, as usual. But I bet I get none cos no fucker gives a damn about me. :(
i should stop reading this I get the feeling that i should stop reading LJ and just delete it because continuing to do so is just too depressing and upsetting. I logged in tonight for the first time in ages and read a couple of posts made by an ex of mine, and what i read brought up all sorts of feelings that i thought long dead.
Why is it that i cannot simply be happy for him if he is getting on with life and finding the happiness with another that i so clearly could never give him? I guess the reason is all too painfully clear, I feel that the life and happiness we should have had together was stolen from us without warning, or remorse. There are those in this world that I shall never forgive, and would cheerfully watch executed in the most hideous manner imaginable. But I know that, satisfying as it would be to see a certain person's bloody, mutilated and dissemboweled body lying spread-eagle across a carpet of 4 foot tall wooden spikes; and to laugh heartily at the sight, this would not turn back time, or right all the wrong that was done previously.
I will eventually find a way to put such thoughts from my mind, but for now they linger. Feel free to post replies to this. I almost feel that I need the discourse.
The Most Evil Country in the World A startling title for what is a post driven out of disgust, hatred, loathing and utter sickness of what I see as the most evil country in the history of the world. Now, you may be wondering which country I am referring to, and you may also be wondering why I am writing this, well to answer the last question first, I have tried hard to ignore the reported history of this "nation" for many years now. I have tried to look for the good that is intrinsic in all people, but when I am forced to watch both semi-fictional and historical accounts of the history of this country it brings me to the inescapable conclusion that we are dealing with nothing less than a tyrannical, corrupt, filthy, lawless, merciless, evil dictatorship.
Let us review that history, and I shall deliberately withhold names and places so that no prejudice in favour of (or against for that matter) may be exercised by the reader. Also, to make my points clearer, I shall bullet point them as best I can with this program.
1, Firstly we are talking about a country that did not belong to, nor was the native land of the people who now call it home. They fought, lied, cheated, murdered, stole, legislated again the indigenous population and used basically every trick in the book (writing some along the way no doubt) to take the land from those whom it was given to by birth.
2, In addition to the first point, these people were, at least in part, sent to this country as punishment for their evil acts in their own countries of origin. Naturally one such country chose to keep a close watch on, and for a while control of, those people. But eventually they broke free of this control and, once they had that freedom, abused its power mercilessly.
3, The people of this country quickly set up class distinctions, where none had existed previously, and subjugated any whom they felt were "inferior" to their own, supposedly superior, white race. They whipped, shot, chained, hanged, branded, raped and beat any of these so-called lesser races into submission while at the same time using them like human farm animals to do all the dirty labouring jobs that they themselves did not wish to do. It is not relevant that some of the people went to civil war to end this enslavement, because even though the "legal" slavery ended the prejudice and segregation did not for another 100 years, and in many ways still hasn't. Oh, and they still have an organization whose sole purpose is to perpetuate the idea that "the white race is pure and master".
4, They fight only when it suits their best interests to do so. They claim that they fight for justice, freedom and "democracy" yet the real motivation is currency signs and wealth. This has led to this country standing back on the sidelines when they were truly needed yet barging in and imposing their rule when they were not asked. Examples of this can be seen from the second world war right to the present day, if one only knows to look for it.
5, In light of recent world events they have now corrupted and torn apart their own fundamental rules of law to give their government more power, and more power to spy on, threaten, incarcerate and punish its citizens simply on the basis or suspicion. No proof is needed as everyone is deemed suspect. This is surely just a continuation of the country's two longest held beliefs that A, "if you're not with us, you're against us!" and B, "everyone else in the world are savages who understand only one thing, violence!"
6, Their scientists developed the most terrible weapon that mankind has ever created and their military was very quick to use that weapon as a sign of dominance and supremacy over the rest of the world. What is worse, the targets of this terrible force were 100% civilian populations who were absolutely no threat whatsoever. They remain the only country in the world to have ever used this weapon in anger.
7, Finally, they continue to meddle in world affairs traveling the length of the globe with a vast army and imposing their crooked, supremest values on all that they encounter and threatening other sovereign nations simply for possessing technology that even approaches their own. They are in this like a spoiled child who feels he must have all the toys and everyone else have none or he will hit them.
Have you worked out who I'm talking about yet? If not then let me put a name to this tyrant in the hope that others will begin to see it as I do. The country to which I refer is the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! It is my firm hope that some day soon this EMPIRE will come crashing down and the corrupt politicians, businessmen, church leaders and governors with it. The world will be a lot safer place.
On a personal note, feel free to give me feedback on this, if you choose to rant at me don't expect that to change my mind. I am simply liable to find it hilarious! Happy typing. :)
Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.
Why am I sat here again? Honestly I don't know. I've just read a journal entry by a friend (and former boyfriend) "pubwebmaster" (I can't be arsed to figure out how to do links) and it really hurt me in many ways. Not least of which was a reply that it got from "killtest" where he called me a "previous model" in pubwebmaster's romantic life. I've written my own reply but really am left to wonder what the fucking point is. Seriously folks, I don't know.
Thanks KILLTEST for making me feel like shit again. Goodnight "mate". :((
Current Mood: tired and pissed off Current Music:none
The best weekend of my life I have just returned from the best weekend of my life. I went to stay with a guy in Manchester and we hit it off right from the onset. He is pretty much everything I could want in a guy; loving, funny, warm, affectionate, silly, honest, open, fragile, beautiful, sexy, horny, very kinky, experienced, a fucking hard skinhead, booted, and above all makes me feel like i'm important!
Suffice it to say that we had a fantastic time together and it is my firm wish that we have many more weekends like that. I think,.....it's special.
Current Mood: Insatiable! Current Music:Anglel Romero; Spanish guitar virtuoso
What's this? I am actually attracting the kind of attention I want, the kind I crave! Since going skinhead people have comment how much different, AND BETTER I look. But now i've got about half a dozen lads who all wanna see me for various reasons and two who may.....well, I don't wanna jinx anything, but they are really interested in ME!
I'm very confused right now, but some of the pain has gone away. :)
Current Mood: hopeful Current Music:I'm actually PLAYING MY GUITARS!
A first posting from a new location Ok, i'm dipping my toe again because I really don't know what else to do. I NEED to talk to someone but I don't want to burden folks, so the only thing I can think is to put my thoughts down on here.
Life is not great right now. For those who don't know, leaving my partner of 2 and a half years devestated me. It left me drained, flakey, fragile, unsure, and not really willing to carry on with the drudgery that is life. I am currently STILL unable and unwilling to commence with sorting life out because a large part of my mind sees absolutely no point.
Life is pretty crap right now. I have very little money, no job, no prospects, no partner, no affection in my life (and god knows I so badly NEED there to be some), and i'm going out to get shagged by whoever will have me and whom I can stand to look at. All the time living back with my folks, who seem indifferent to me. When they are not being indifferent, i'm being nagged, or accused of not caring.
Right now i'm pretty sick of life again. My nervous problems have returned too, and I locked my jaw badly yesterday. Couldn't open my mouth fully for about 20 hours.
I'm just so pig sick and honestly I feel like i'm past the point where sorting my life out will even help. I am just too damaged.
Oh well, life goes on, or not.
Current Mood: life has no meaning Current Music:can't face music
Well, this is new I am posting here again, because I find myself in a position of experiencing something quite new and frightening in my psyche. I have much to say on the subject, but it is quite dark and graphic, so I would advise extreme caution in choosing to read what is behind the link. (something that I have now learned how to do, I think) The short version of this is that i'm feeling huge, overwhelming resentment of others. I resent their happiness and their togetherness of life. More I shall say behind the link........
Reading the final pages of this chapter Well, Life continues. The day to day grind continues and I find myself dealing with things as they are as best I can. It is good for me not to think about things, because I really don't WANT to.
I know now just why things have come to this and am annoyed with myself for kidding myself for so long. Soon, all this will be done and I can move on in life; even if that is several backwards steps.
I will post more fully about this when my time here is done, but I really can't say i've enjoyed being in Watford. The people are rude, and ignorant, the living accomadation far from ideal and the damage to my nervous system and emotions severe in the extreme.
S. seems to handle everything so calmly and dispassionately that I wonder where his emotions are sometimes. This I have verbalised to him. I, on the other hand, seem incapable of NOT being emotional. It is a weakness that I really hate in myself.
On a positive note, the weighing bathroom scales in the "flat" say i'm somewhere between 79 and 82 kgs. That's the lowest weight i've been in a while. It's probably the stress, which has knocked me off my food, but it's getting results so I don't care.
I can't think of anything more to say right now except, there is one other person that I'll miss terribly when I leave this hell hole. His name is Dave, and in the 2 months i've known him he has shown me more kindness than i've ever seen in my life, and certainly far more than I deserve. Dave, you can't see this, but I love you mate. You are truly the only reason i'm still alive and sane.
Current Mood: confused Current Music:none, but thinking about it
A puzzlement Why is it that, while I fall apart at the run of recent events and find myself wholly unable to do anything that I do not FORCE myself to do, others around me seem to be able to carry on with life as if nothing ever happened?
Am I so unbelievably weak that I simply cannot cope with the inevitable, or are they so totally heartless that nothing would ever phase them?
I ponder this as I compare internet reactions in light of recent history.
Current Mood: confused Current Music:none, for about 3 weeks now
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
gedrell's journal
listless
contemplative
musical
blah
not the best i've ever been
depressed
scared
Grotesque
okay, but been better
tired and pissed off
Insatiable!
cheerful
hopeful
Resentful and Furious!
confused